DepressED
by Ariela246
Summary: Never in Edd's life had he thought he be left isolated and feeling utterly lonely, but unfortunately, that was the case. It had been 5 months since his break up with his friends; it had been a rather confusing and hard decision for him to go through. However something in him had snapped, he knew then it wasn't healthy and he needed to escape. (ONESHOT)
It had been a hard break up for the troubled nerd. Never in his life had he thought he be left isolated and feeling utterly lonely, but unfortunately that was the case. It had been 5 months since his break up with his friends; it had been a rather confusing and hard decision for him to go through. However something in him had snapped, he knew then it wasn't healthy and he needed to escape. Eddy had made him feel belittled for the last time darn it.

You see, Edd was going through a hard time in his life, never wanting to share it with his friends as to not bother them with his silly little drama. He had pretended to be happy and cheerful if it meant that his friends would be happy, but at the end of the day his closest friend, depression, always seemed to crawl in bed with him and consume him entirely.

It started with a disconnection with his family, his parents constantly fighting for every single little thing. Sometimes he would wonder why on earth they had decided to marry when he was sure that never once in their married life had his parents loved each other. His father was hard to comprehend, always at work. Eddward shared simple and direct conversations with the man. His mother on the other hand was a friendly hard working woman, she tried her best she really did, but she had no idea how fucked Edd was watching her throughout his 19 years of life suffering in her marriage. In total honesty Eddward Marion just didn't believe in romantic love, or in marriage. He had seen too many failed relationships to deny that facts.

Another thing, he knew his parents wanted so much more out of him. He knew he could be better, he knew he could strive for more. If he tried he could be that surgeon or that lawyer his parents always wanted, instead he had decided to pursue a career in teaching. He could see the disappointment in his parent's eyes every time the topic of careers came up with their friends. It broke his heart every time, and his friend, depression, would wrap an arm around him kissing him gently on his temple to ease him.

It never helped.

Then there was, well Eddy. Throughout their lifelong friendship Eddward had denied any of the red flags that waved in the back of his mind. The way Eddy would ignore him at social gatherings, the way he began to hang out with others who were "different" from Edd, or how he began to keep secrets from him. They were best friends since childhood…Eddy knew almost everything about Double D, but Eddward began to feel like he just didn't belong in Eddy's circle anymore. If and when they hanged out, Edd was on constant anxiety thinking if he was fun enough, or not annoying.

Now poor Ed just continued to follow Eddy everywhere, he did stay in touch with Eddward on occasion. However Eddward's friend, depression, always told Eddward the truth, Ed didn't care about him, if he did then he'd be with him at the moment, but it had been a long time since their last conversation.

There was one final thing that poked Edd at his ribs, another reason why he had officially ended it with his friends. Remember how Eddy didn't exactly know _everything_ about Eddward? Well Edd was coming to experience something new with his sexuality. He had always identified as straight but there were something's that made him question himself entirely. He'd catch himself become jealous at the people that hung out with Eddy. They always seemed to be having so much fun in pictures and such. But this wasn't just jealously for a friend somehow he knew it was something much more. The nerd would wake up from wet dreams of him and Eddy doing… stuff… at first he thought it was just something to disregard, but dreams became day fantasies and the day he came in his hand was the day that he thought himself outright repulsive. How could he-he DONE that at the thought of his best friend…it was disgusting, it was wrong. What would Eddy think of him had he ever found out?! He couldn't possibly have such sexual feelings towards his dearest friend.

It all just kind of built up in him before he finally exploded. His father had left a good amount of beer in the fridge before his parents had gone away on a business trip, and Edd was home alone. Eddward had seen some pictures of Eddy and his new friends doing things that the Ed's had planned to do weeks before together but now that obviously wasn't going to happen. A tear ran down his cheeks, before he threw the phone across the room and ran into the kitchen grabbing at his hair painfully tight. Realization hitting him that he had broken ties from all the Cul-de-Sac kids just for Eddy. That HE was now alone with no one to talk to. No one else cared about him, if they had they would be wanting to be present in his life, and actually take interest in him, but it was like the kids in the neighborhood where just simply neighbors now.

Now the one he had devoted so much time and effort didn't want him…

He opened the fridge and saw a perfectly shaped bottle seduce him, and the young man gave in to temptation. He chugged a few bottles before heading upstairs to his bathroom and locked himself inside. Now Eddward hadn't ever drank in his life, so these drinks which were pretty heavy in alcohol got to him quick. He was light weight. The teen sat down on the toilet seat and let his tears fall down. Truthfully he hadn't physically seen Eddy in months and had only talked through messages, well, that was just college life. However Eddy had rejected him every time Eddward would try and meet with him, and here he was now hanging out with other people. It hurt very painfully, the rest of the night was a blur for the nerd he just remembered a mix of emotions.

However that entire week he decided to in a way test the other, by giving him the silent treatment. Eddward didn't make himself present on social media, nor did he seek conversation from either of the Ed's. It was one final test, if Eddy cared anything at all for him Eddy would seek him out, he would message, call or storm his home. Yet nothing came.

The boy laid in bed all day after that week, depression was the only one keeping him company in his most nude state. All day he wouldn't have much of an appetite, sometimes burst out crying, other times wanting to so baldy grab something sharp and run it through his wrist. He never did, he was too afraid but that never shook the thought that he deserved it. He wasn't good enough, he was worthless, no one cared for him, no one wanted him, and he was disgusting. All he brought was disappointment.

As months went on the days seemed to get easier for him, some days depression hid in his back pocket of his ripped up old jeans, other days it would cling to him like a possessive toxic partner. Sometimes Edd would have had the most happy, and productive day where he felt accomplished but at the end of it, depression greeted him with a kiss to his lips. He'd sit at his desk and contemplate his actions; maybe it was his entire fault, maybe he had made a mistake in ending his friendship, maybe he was the one ruining his own life. Maybe he was just being selfish and needy.

Those nights it was hard for him to fall asleep.

It was difficult to make friends at his university, Sure he had companions he talked to during class, but no one to call friend. However it was during breaks where he sit in the library pretending to study that depression made him know just how lonely he felt. He'd try to keep his hopes up knowing some day in his life he'd find true friends, but at the moment that day seemed so far away. Eddward would only ever go to school then head straight home, and for months that was his routine.

Eventually the pain began to subside. Day by day he learned to survive. He learned to carry himself step by step. It was hard, but he learned it was ok to let depression hold him tightly in the middle of the night as he cried. Edd began to learn to love himself, to let himself know he was worthy, to let himself explore.

The day Eddward ran into a certain red headed jock at the library was the day he knew he was going to be just fine.

* * *

 _ **This is kind of a personal oneshot i needed to write and let myself vent through writting as Edd lol**_

 ** _I have been in conflict with my dear friend depression for too long, and am in the middle of befriending it. It's ok to feel blue sometimes, once i learn to accept it in my life, i find my days to be much easier for me. I'm still in that process however, and it's hard to be ok with myself, to not see myself as gross or worthless, but hey it's going to be a long journey._**

 _ **Hope you enjoyed it nonetheless :3**_

 _ **Kevedd hinted of course lol**_


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